Exploring Sentence Stems In Reflective Listening
Just like with flowers, trimming down our reflections can be a good thing.
On weekends, like many of you, I try to prioritize refilling my own wellness cup knowing I show up better for people and responsibilities when I feel well myself.
One activity I enjoy is using my amateur (and I mean, amateur!) flower arranging skills to transform a $10 bouquet from Trader Joes and some fresh greenery from our rag-tag backyard garden, into rustic bouquets to sprinkle throughout the house or share with friends.
I experience a wonderful sense of joy and accomplishment doing something creative while beating the system of rising flower prices amidst diminishing quality. This week, I crafted 4 arrangements for the price of 1!
A Side Story Before I Get to the Point
I learned about the wellness power of flowers during one of my many professional stops in the road with my husband, teaching at Green Valley Spa, a magical wellness destination in the high desert of Southern Utah.
This was many years before coaching was a “thing,” but founder, Carole Coombs, who recently passed away at 90 , a true visionary in the wellness space, sounded a lot like a coach when she shared in an interview, “Our greatest satisfaction is seeing people rediscover themselves.”
One of the ways Coombs accomplished this was through colors. I kid you not, EVERY NIGHT, in the middle of the night, while guests slumbered deeply and comfortably in their beds, her staff, consisting of her incredibly talented daughters, scurried about the property like sneaky wellness elves transforming every inch of the spa into a new color palette for the day ahead.
There would be centerpieces, table coverings, carefully curated herbal teas, specialized scents ready to waft through the hallways on cue, and evocative wellness prompts printed on cards scattered about, all poised to immerse the guests in a full on mind-body sensory experience.
And there would be flowers—everywhere!
Each color brought with it a special significance meant to spark self- exploration, growth, and healing. For instance, on yellow day, we channeled happiness, joy, optimism, hope, warmth, knowledge, and intelligence. Waking up to the color purple was an invitation to experience calm, clearing, and a connection to our intuition.
Every day, with each new color, we basked in the energy and intention of what it represented, and yes . . . we were transformed.
Get to the Point Already
This week, as I was engaging in my own version of flower power—trimming stems and testing for length and composition in the small mason jars I had chosen as vases, I got to thinking about “stems” as they relate to the skill of reflections.
“Sentence stems,” as they are called in Lifestyle Wellness Coaching, by James Gavin and Madeleine Mcbrearty, are those short phrases we use at the beginning of reflections such as, “Sounds like . . . , “What I’m hearing you say is . . . ,” “Your telling me that . . . .”
While the authors suggest using sentence stems within their framework for forming reflections (and there’s reason to include them, at times, for sure), further study in motivational interviewing (MI) encouraged me to let go of the “stem” and cut to the chase with a crisp, concise reflection—the shorter, the better.
Let’s explore both sides of the topic as I’m guessing there may be a bit of ambivalence in the room.
On the One Hand . . .
We love our stems!
They make our “guesses” feel safe, as we gain confidence and greater ease with the skill of accurately translating client content and feeling into impactful reflections. Perhaps they also help us avoid what we may think of as the ultimate misstep; “putting words in the client’s mouth,” or even worse, guessing wrong.
They buy us a few milliseconds of extra time to figure out how we want to respond. Like the “ums” and “ahs” or filler words in public speaking, they take up the empty space (dare we insert a moment of silence when people are paying us to coach!) as we do the work of decoding what we’re hearing into a helpful response.
They sound like coaching. There is a chance we came out of our training thinking that’s how coaches talk—it’s part of the job. Just like “My pleasure” is 5-star hospitality speak, “What I’m hearing you say . . . ,” is how many of us initially learned how to structure reflections, and it stuck. Perhaps we say it more out of habit than anything else.
On the Other Hand . . .
Stems aren’t required for good coaching.
According to Bill Miller, the founder of MI, we don’t need to worry about guessing wrong. I can hear him nudging us—don’t be timid . . . dive in and reflect! Even a reflection that’s off the mark leads the client to clarify and reinforce for us (and more importantly, themselves) what they really meant. The outcome is often deeper insight and increased commitment to their path forward. Guessing “wrong” is good coaching!
Sentence stems are “word clumps” that bury the impact of a high quality reflection. Notice the difference between, “Sounds like getting a good nights’ sleep helps you function better in the day and get more done.” and “You’re a different person with a good nights’ sleep!” Getting rid of the fluff and getting to the gold is good coaching!
Stems can sound, well . . . coach-y. Good coaching sounds and flows like a fluid conversation. There is an ease of back and forth, variety in sentence structure and tempo, and a sense of authentic connection that doesn’t feel to the client like you are “doing” something to them. Facilitating sessions that feel like natural conversations is good coaching!
What’s the Alternative?
To be clear, I’m not saying sentence stems are “good” or “bad.” I found myself using them a bit too often this week (out of habit), and it’s up to you to decide the right balance for you.
In her wonderful workbook, Motivational Interviewing for Mental Health Clinicians: A Toolkit for Skill Enhancement, MINT trainer, Ali Hall, offers an alternative called, “reflective statement starters” that she says “help us get into the flow of reflective listening and offer ways to vary the sound of our statements.” Here are a few examples from her book:
“As you see it . . .”
“For you, it’s a matter of . . .”
“From your perspective . . .”
“You’re hoping that . . .”
“You’re wondering if . . .”
I’ve heard these statement starters used by advanced practitioners in MI practice settings and they are game changers. They create a natural fluidity that makes sessions flow smoothly like a river easing toward the wide open sea without obstruction.
During my DYI flower arranging journey, I learned that cutting the stems of flowers improves their health and vibrancy. Taking that advice around our use of sentence stems might just do the same for our coaching!
Let’s discuss! Yes, no, maybe so when it comes to sentence stems? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
“Lean It To Coaching” Prompt
If you’re interested, here are a couple of options for practicing this week:
With permission, record a client session—or an 8-10 minute practice coaching session with a willing participant. Listen back and see how (if) you use “sentence stems” in your reflections. What would be the result of trimming them or adding variety with a sentence starter?
Spend time with a coach friend practicing reflective listening. Try saying the “It sounds like . . . ,” part silently in your head and then simply state the reflection as a stand alone (kinda like the strikethrough option on your computer). For example, “
It sounds likeSpending time with your family and friends is important to you.”Just like the game, “Name That Tune” . . . can you offer a reflection in 10 words or less? Don’t waste your words on stems!
Resources:
Since September is a month we often highlight mental wellbeing, I loved this study on The Positive Mental Health Benefits of Flowers, According to Science I stumbled upon while writing this essay.
Here’s a great practice resource by a favorite MINT trainer of mine, Ali Hall, and her co-authors.
Frey, J. A., Hall, A., & Miller, W. R. (2021). Motivational Interviewing for mental health clinicians : a toolkit for skills enhancement. Eau Claire Pesi Publishing.
Thanks for visiting and reading this week. Don’t forget to share with a coach friend if you think they’d be interested.
Onward!
Meg